Giving up drinking

Couple of months back I finally agreed to my doctor’s suggestion that I give up alcohol. I am a an addict/abuser of alcohol in as much as is give me status quo, which is nothing, seriously nothing.

I managed for some time and then the hunger of an addict got hold of me and I got back, perhaps not to the same extent but anyway, started having again.

And then I read about Kurt (http://www.traveluma.blogspot.com/). What made sense to me, was the decision he made to stop. Now, whenever he feels like a drink, he remembers his decision and decides once again not to.

I do not know how and why he decided. What is important for me is that he decided. What I find increasing in myself is the incapability to decide, specially relating to my body. I know now, that alcohol harms my body, impairs my alertness.

I used to feel great (drinking) , thinking, this ‘quietness’ enhances my awareness. It took just a couple of days of dryness to realize its beautiful otherwise. And then I forget, lose myself in my nothingness and a feeling of well being. It makes me feel dead and from that something alive.

And its this very ‘good feeling’ urges me to drink once again. Only when I am into the ‘high’, its cold realization that its good and also very superficial.

On Deciding. I realize that I never really wanted to give up. Heavy words, give up.

On social work and social workers

Some thoughts on social work and workers,

However much I would like to help directly or through social workers, I realise, it is only going to touch, if anything but the surface. On social workers and I've come across some, they have masked their escape by being with and supposedly helping disabled people. I find them -specially the ones at the top or aspiring to lead, greedy for power, their scorn and irony is another way for them to not accept that part of themselves and makes them for me a misdirected effort.
‘I have done so much for these people, have sacrificed so much, who to understand anything about such things. Poverty is such. Become poor to understand their suffering.’ Is something like a mantra for them to avoid other of their social strata.

An observation to go along this:

I am with my son in a small tailor's shop. Its one of those 'specialties’ which cater to school uniforms. We are waiting for the right size of trousers to be brought up. An autorickshaw pulls up alongside and out step the auto driver, his wife and their son - not more than six years old. The kid is thrilled with the idea of new clothes, a school to go to and is just running here and there tugging at the hung clothes and just gurgling away. The father is looking sombre and waiting patiently and quite while the mother negotiates with the shopkeeper. Rs 150 is too much etc etc. She is smiling and the smile goes beyond the face. The joy and love for her child and live is something difficult to explain. Negotiations done, the family dances back into the auto and drives off. Joy in life defies money.

Is that a bird, .... 

Sadness and Depression

Sadness and depression,

Today I can differentiate between sadness depression and wallowing in self-pity.

I have found myself wallowing in self-pity quite often in the past. Self pity in me emerges from my inability to face the truth about my incapacities and in blaming others for my situation, of having being wronged. It tells me to grow up, be responsible and accept facts of life and go on with it as it comes.

I used to fall into depression, sometimes lasting a fairly long time (couple of days), when confronted with insecurity in my job, comparison, jealousy, feeling of having missed life and not going anywhere (I used to think professionally), and also guilt. Depression for me comes out of fear and frustration of not being something, or not being able to do something which I want to but is not possible . I guess when it comes now, it is important for me to understand where it is coming from.

My son’s leaving for a month has awakened a feeling a sadness, which I recognize now. It has also brought into focus times when I felt sad and my relationship with Kalpna. Sadness, I recognize now is perhaps the feeling of emptiness and finally the feeling of love having gone away. It is difficult to describe it further. For me it also leads to the feeling of loneliness and some hint of why this leads to dependency of any kind.

I am happy these last couples of weeks sessions have at least made me start writing again!