Giving up drinking

Couple of months back I finally agreed to my doctor’s suggestion that I give up alcohol. I am a an addict/abuser of alcohol in as much as is give me status quo, which is nothing, seriously nothing.

I managed for some time and then the hunger of an addict got hold of me and I got back, perhaps not to the same extent but anyway, started having again.

And then I read about Kurt (http://www.traveluma.blogspot.com/). What made sense to me, was the decision he made to stop. Now, whenever he feels like a drink, he remembers his decision and decides once again not to.

I do not know how and why he decided. What is important for me is that he decided. What I find increasing in myself is the incapability to decide, specially relating to my body. I know now, that alcohol harms my body, impairs my alertness.

I used to feel great (drinking) , thinking, this ‘quietness’ enhances my awareness. It took just a couple of days of dryness to realize its beautiful otherwise. And then I forget, lose myself in my nothingness and a feeling of well being. It makes me feel dead and from that something alive.

And its this very ‘good feeling’ urges me to drink once again. Only when I am into the ‘high’, its cold realization that its good and also very superficial.

On Deciding. I realize that I never really wanted to give up. Heavy words, give up.