Sadness and Depression

Sadness and depression,

Today I can differentiate between sadness depression and wallowing in self-pity.

I have found myself wallowing in self-pity quite often in the past. Self pity in me emerges from my inability to face the truth about my incapacities and in blaming others for my situation, of having being wronged. It tells me to grow up, be responsible and accept facts of life and go on with it as it comes.

I used to fall into depression, sometimes lasting a fairly long time (couple of days), when confronted with insecurity in my job, comparison, jealousy, feeling of having missed life and not going anywhere (I used to think professionally), and also guilt. Depression for me comes out of fear and frustration of not being something, or not being able to do something which I want to but is not possible . I guess when it comes now, it is important for me to understand where it is coming from.

My son’s leaving for a month has awakened a feeling a sadness, which I recognize now. It has also brought into focus times when I felt sad and my relationship with Kalpna. Sadness, I recognize now is perhaps the feeling of emptiness and finally the feeling of love having gone away. It is difficult to describe it further. For me it also leads to the feeling of loneliness and some hint of why this leads to dependency of any kind.

I am happy these last couples of weeks sessions have at least made me start writing again!